I am so tired of the cold. Tired of the wet too. The sun has been out lately, but I don’t think I’ve felt warm for days now, no matter how warm it actually is in the house. I’m ready for the seasons to begin to change. It’s usually much nicer than this by my birthday.

Oh, and there’s going to be cloudy, cold, wet weather this weekend too, just to set the mood for completing my forty-fifth year on this planet. I can’t wait! Break out the black balloons and tombstones, I am declaring myself officially middle-aged on Saturday night!

My glee … can you feel it?

Statistically speaking, I should have officially declared myself middle-aged some years ago. I feel confident stating that the larger portion of my life is now behind me. Not necessarily the better portion, but certainly the larger one. The years ahead of me are fewer than I have seen before, but I still think the best is yet to come … or it’s happening right now. This may be the best it gets, and you know what?

I’m cool with that.

Oh sure, being rich, famous, lauded, stunningly gorgeous, living in a mansion with a full staff including a driver, gardener, and cook wouldn’t be something I couldn’t adapt to in about a day and a half, but my life isn’t bad. It fits me like a worn pair of jeans fresh from the dryer. I may complain about the knees being out and hems being frayed, but I still love the jeans.

Anyway, the weather’s going to be gross for my birthday, which is just as well, because all I really want to do is eat candies and be introspective. Or mopey. It’s possible I will be mopey.

The scent of baking bread kept mysteriously wafting by my nose. I wasn’t baking bread, and the only thing I baked all day was corn fritters, and they smell like corn … not fresh and yeasty bread. Even having taken my allergy pills today, my nose was still so stuffed up, I couldn’t follow the scent to its source, but I knew I was smelling fresh baked bread. It’s a scent I’d know anywhere.

I discovered the source a few minutes ago when I went to stack the dinner dishes in the sink for washing tomorrow. I’d left the ziplock bag of bread from the freezer open. This is still some of the bread I made on Christmas Eve. It is, even in the world of bread stored properly in the freezer, probably beyond its “best by” date. Not inedible, but likely getting stale and dry. Or soggy, which is even worse. The kind of bread best served with stews, soups, and dishes with sauces. Generally, I would say that bread stored in the freezer, even for a short time, loses its wonderful bread smell. Yet, here I have a loaf of bread baked on Christmas Eve, carried on a 160 mile road trip in a ziplock bag, stacked with a bunch of other loaves in a tote bag, and then tossed into my freezer without being wrapped in plastic wrap or foil –it even had frozen veggies tossed on it at one point– and it smells as though I just made it today and is perfectly edible. It’s a wonderful thing.

I believe I will be mass baking our bread more often. It keeps much better than I expected. As much as I love baking bread, it is a pain in my butt due to my kitchen being completely non-user-friendly and inefficient. Spending a day baking bread every three or so weeks would be often enough to feed my need to knead, but not so often it would make me want to scream about my kitchen.

And now It’s time for a little smear of grape jelly on a thin slice of bread.

Mmmmm.

It’s oddly warm outside. Well, it’s 54ºF, which feels oddly warm compared to the lower temperatures we have been having lately are the ones we are expecting soon. There’s a thick pea soup fog out there too. Always makes the back yard look so eerie. I like it.

I imagine the almost warm breeze barely blowing is every last bit of warmth from the more northern states being pushed down at us … right before the coldest air we’ve felt here in a long time blasts us into a frenzy, and Texans –at least the ones in my neighborhood– do seem to be working themselves into a frenzy about this cold front.

I would swear most of the mass of humanity crammed into my corner grocery store this afternoon were panic buying. I’ve been through hurricanes. I know when people are panic buying food and other essential provisions. The thing is … there’s no real reason to panic. It’s going to get cold. Very cold. But the weather isn’t supposed to be especially ugly. No rain or freezing rain or ice or snow. Sunny cold weather. I know I will regret not buying more things at the grocery store –I bought the ten most essential things, got through a quick check, and was in and out of the utter madness of the place in under 20 minutes, because I will likely have to leave the house when it is really, really cold, and this will suck. But I am fully capable and unhindered in my ability to leave my house and go buy or do anything I want just as if it was a totally normal non-freezing-cold day.

Austin will not be shut down. Life will be normal. The only true hardship will be some people will have burst pipes, there will be a couple of house fires caused by various heating methods, some schools or office buildings may close due to heating system breakdowns, it’s possible a few homeless and/or elderly people will die of hypothermia, and almost all of us will be freezing our butts off when outside, because very few of us own clothing designed to protect us from such frigid temperatures. Perhaps sales of appropriate cold weather clothing have risen as much as the sale of bottled water, soda, and canned foods. Seriously, people were stocking up on nonperishable foodstuffs as if there was a hurricane on the way and Austin had beachfront property.

The only sense of dread I feel about this upcoming cold spell concerns the fact this is our first really hard and long freeze in the house. Let’s just say I’m hoping we don’t get any horrible surprises or experience any house-related dramatic events in the next few days. Aside from that one concern, I’m actually glad it’s happening. Today I heard that when the weather warms up and it’s time to get to that spring and summer gardening, this cold spell will have diminished the supply of hungry bugs greatly. I can get through a few days of really cold weather knowing my future garden has a slightly better chance of being awesome, because it isn’t being eaten alive daily by the multitude of hungry, hungry bugs. I can always do with fewer bugs.

I’ve got to get to bed. It’s late, and I’m starting to babble. Where does the time (and energy) go?

I had a thought. It was one of those thoughts that inspires rambling, babbling, and or ranting. Then I visited a well-known social networking web site, and whatever grand two-thousand-word-post-inspiring thought I had in my head dematerialized.

It’s a little more complicated than that. The whole process of losing my train of thought began when I came to my blog and noticed I had used a period instead of a comma in the first, and I believe only sentence in my last post. My inner grammar fascist shrieked in horror and almost died of embarrassment. That gave my inner child just enough time to remember she needed to put her staff to sleep for a while, so she can work them overnight until they drop from fatigue, because she needs money to buy water that sells for thousands of dollars a glass.

Don’t ask. If you don’t know what I am talking about, I am not going to be the one to spread the addiction.

Well, when I finally got back to the post page, I had already written the first sentence, but it was utterly irrelevant really, seeing as I had lost several trains of thought along the way. And now, yet again, I don’t know what the hell I am talking about or where I was going with it. I hate when this happens.

I’m sure it will come to me again about two seconds after I pull the thick comforter up to my chin and close my eyes, and then I’ll have to decide if the epiphany is world-changing enough to get out of bed and put it into words somewhere.^† But really, it would have to be pretty darn world-changing to get me out of bed on such a chilly night.

It’s time for bed. I had a productive day. I got some stuff done. I’m beat.

And my inner child needs to go check whether or she put her staff to sleep, because she can’t remember if she ever actually did that. I guess she can’t maintain a train of thought either. Also, my inner grammar fascist would like to bed forgiveness for any grammatical or punctuation or spelling errors in this post.

1. † I have been considering using Twitter to relay these lost thoughts rediscovered at the cusp of waking and sleep, but that would be utterly ridiculous and totally falling into navel-gazing territory. And if my inner grammar fascist can’t pay enough attention to keep my fingers from using a period instead of a comma while writing a blog post, I’m just CERTAIN typing on my cell phone in the dark would go so much better. Still … it’s an idea. [↩]

I posted a comment at MetaTalk yesterday morning in a thread where some people were aghast that it had been suggested that a person in a very bad stalker/attacker situation should be prepared to buy and use a gun. It was, in fact, good advice, and some people’s attitudes got up my nose, so I had to break my usual MetaFilter commenting silence to say something. I’m sure I’ll live to regret it. I usually do.

Anyway, when I reread the comment this morning, I realized there is some wisdom there … or at least a point of view worth not letting slip into the ether over at MetaTalk, so I thought I would post it here as well.

The point at which someone should contemplate whether or not they are capable of killing someone is when they are considering buying a gun for self defense. If they absolutely know they would not be able to take another human life under any circumstances, even if it meant their own life or the life of a loved one would be lost, then they should not buy a gun. This is really the point in the gun-owning decision process that most people don’t take enough time to consider whether or not they could “kill or be killed” in a crisis situation. Too many people just buy the gun, even if they aren’t 100% certain that taking a life is something they could do. If someone can’t imagine themselves killing another human, then they should not own a gun.

By the time someone has the need to draw a firearm and point it at another human, they need to know –without a doubt or moment’s hesitation– they are prepared to kill whoever it is they are aiming at. No one should ever draw a firearm and point it at another human being unless they are ready to kill that person and then are capable of proceeding to do so. If someone can’t develop the mindset and conditioning needed to understand that to draw a gun means to pull the trigger and kill another human, they had best leave it in its safe location and never attempt to use it. Or sell it. This isn’t a decision to be made while staring down the barrel at another person. That decision has to be made long before that moment ever comes along. Though someone may get lucky and merely drawing the weapon might scare the attacker away, that isn’t what guns are designed to do. They are also not designed to break legs or arms or in any other way merely maim someone enough to stop them from attacking. They are lethal weapons designed to kill and function best in a crisis situation when used in that manner.

I understand being horrified about the thought of killing someone. I’m horrified about it myself and am a non-aggressive, find-another-way sort of person, and yet, I own a gun. Should I find myself in a situation where someone who has attacked me in the past is stalking me, threatening me, and then attempts to attack me, horrified as I may be about taking someone’s life, I wouldn’t have to think twice about drawing the firearm and pulling the trigger. I already made the decision to do so long before I purchased the gun and found myself in need of lethal force to protect myself. By the time my hand would be on the gun, I would already know it was a “him or me” situation and understand the consequences that will shortly follow.

As far as suggesting to others to buy a gun for self defense, it is inherent in owning a gun for self defense that killing someone may happen at some time in the future. If people are offended by the suggestion that a gun be used, then they should be equally offended by the suggestion to purchase a gun in the first place. Guns are not talismans. They are not lucky rabbit’s feet. They are not useful for scaring away attackers. They are intended for killing, so the suggestion that someone buy a gun for self defense inherently contains within it the implication that if it is bought and ever used, it will kill someone. It seems a little odd to be so vehemently against stating that a gun might need to be used to kill someone in self defense and not equally aghast at the suggestion that someone buy a gun in the first place.

I hope Americans are paying attention to the non-stop coverage of every action of every committee working on health care reform. I’m fairly certain this is the first time we have had a day by day, 24/7 observation of the process by which a idea becomes a bill and goes on to become law (or not), at least by average Americans. In fact, I would bet that many average Americans never gave any thought at all to any legislation until it was in the Senate or House for a final vote, and some average Americans only bothered paying attention when it was on its way to the President’s desk. If even then, unless it was some huge thing involving war or tax cuts/hikes or the price of gasoline.

While average Americans having the opportunity to see every aspect of a bill becoming a law up close and in person every day, I don’t actually believe it’s good for the functioning of our government. Everyone praises utter transparency in all government functions, and I agree to a point. Transcripts and paper trails of every single thing that happens … available freely to any citizen wishing to see them? Yes. Cameras in committee rooms broadcasting daily coverage of negotiations? No.

I can hear the gears in some people’s heads grinding about back room deals in smokey rooms. It’s true, we have had some of that in our past, but it wouldn’t be possible these days. First off, smoking is no longer allowed. Secondly, that’s what the transcripts, audio recordings, and paper trails would make doing anything too terribly unethical or illegal impossible. In the committee room anyway. If you think back room deals in smokey rooms no longer happen at all, you are fooling yourself.

My reason for being opposed to cameras in committee rooms broadcasting the minute by minute utterances of every person in the room are that everyone acts differently on camera, and people in negotiations with other people need to be able to be honest, let their hair down, and yes … argue, sometimes loudly. People need to be real while in negotiations, and people –politicians especially– are almost never real while there is a camera present. It’s not even entirely their fault. They may not even be aware of it, but their behavior is changed by the presence of cameras. It’s human nature.

It’s a form of forced civility, which I don’t outright oppose, but the level of civility it enforces is that of a politician running for reelection. Every little word the elected officials in that room say to one another has the potential to be used for or against them at a later date. They have to remain calm and cool and “on” while negotiating, and you have to know, that isn’t a natural state for intense to negotiations. Anger is an acceptable emotion to express when fighting for something you believe in. Obviously, I don’t want my elected officials getting into knock-down drag-outs in the committee room, but someone calling someone a jackass behind closed doors shouldn’t reflect badly on them. Someone slamming their hand down on their desk and shouting loudly at the people across the table shouldn’t make them unelectable.

We force our elected officials to be perfect in every way. We expect them to have none of the normal human flaws we all have. We want them to be more human than human. And then we have the cameras requiring them to behave more human than human, and expect them do a task that requires getting down into the trenches and arguing passionately for what they believe in … and being human.

Anything said or done in chamber would be revealed by the transcripts and recordings and paper trails. The embarrassment of having called a colleague a jackass would still occur, apologies would be made (or not), it might be used against them when they run for reelection (or not), but it would have happened, and everyone involved would have some time to cool down and think about what happened before it was on the cable news channels being dissected by the talking heads.

It’s amazing what a little time to reflect on what one has said or done can do for how one views one’s actions. It’s even been known to lead to someone changing their minds about their behavior, actions, or even beliefs on the matters at hand. But our elected officials aren’t allowed this time, because the thing they just said has already been heard, and as soon as they step out of the committee room doors, there are reporters asking them to justify what they said or did. No time for reflection, no cool-down time … just more immediate reaction.

Do you ever really listen to politicians? They weasel around with their words, and it’s often hard to pin down exactly what they are saying or believe. They do this because they feel inhibited and afraid of offending Emma Jo Whosit in Podunk, Wherever who might then not vote for them next year, if they said exactly what they meant in exactly the way they wanted to say it. Ugly honesty is far better for everyone than honey-covered pandering, except, perhaps for truly wrong-thinking elected officials. Would be better for the rest of us citizens though, wouldn’t it? At least we’d know who they were and where they stand on matters.

The only way progress can truly be made and an actual consensus reached during negotiations is for all parties to be real, in the moment, and allowed to express themselves freely with no inhibitions or fear of life-changing repercussions (such as not getting reelected or being thought a jackass), and having cameras in the committee rooms doesn’t allow that. Having cameras outside the room immediately following with a fully informed group of reporters waiting to ask them about the damn fool crazy thing they just did or said doesn’t allow it either. People act differently in front of cameras, especially when the person in front of the camera is expected to look and sound and be super-human.

This whole train of thought was brought on by a video of the Senate committee on the health care reform bill today that I saw on TV a little while ago. Those saying “aye” were loud about it. Spoke right up. Looked right at the person taking the vote. The people voting against it had their heads down, were fiddling with pens or papers, and said “no” so quietly their microphones barely picked up the word. It struck me as odd for people who claim to be vehemently and morally opposed to the issue to not loudly proclaim their opposition, even in the face of defeat.

Do they not believe voting “no” is the best vote? Did they want to vote for it, but due to party constraints and mandates felt they couldn’t? Are they not at all passionate about their opposition to it? Why wouldn’t they have stated “no” as loudly and proudly as their “aye” counterparts? Why exhibit behavior of being ashamed? If they are voting their heart and conscious, and they are as opposed to the matter at hand as much as they have insisted they are, they should be stating their “no” vote with as much passion as their opposition.

But they were never really allowed to get overly passionate about the matter at hand, thanks to the cameras and having to use on-camera politico-speech to run for office in whatever year it is they are running for office again, no matter how far off that happens to be. That path doesn’t lead to a whole lot of honesty, forthrightness, or passionate and compelling (mind-changing) debate. It doesn’t lead to much true consensus or progress either.

I could probably go through this mess of words and edit it down to something capable of being comprehended by a mind other than my own, but you know I hate to do my own editing, so I won’t. I’m lazy like that. Of course, if you are reading this statement, you’ve already slogged through whatever it was I just spent far too many words saying.

You get a gold star!

There’s an associated train of thought rant coming soon about why 24/7 news channels were once a good thing, how they became what they are today, and how that has had repercussions on the quality level of all TV programming, but I’ll save that one for another night. I’m sure I’ve put you to sleep already, and I feel the need for a chocolate chip and walnut cookie or two (or more).

Note: Since I didn’t get back to how I hope Americans are watching the process of how an idea becomes a law, let me just mention briefly that while they are paying attention to all this over-coverage of every little step on the process and each utterance of every politico they realize that in reality, it’s perfectly safe to not pay attention to a great deal of it unless they want to be activists. We elect people to pay attention to every little detail for us (and to speak for us) so we don’t have to do so. If they don’t do what you want –letting them know is always a good idea, unless you totally agree with your elected officials’ positions or don’t care much– vote them out of office and get someone new. I know it’s “cool” to not trust politicians, but the vast majority of them aren’t actually evil assholes that eat puppies and poor people for breakfast.

We need to let them do their jobs, and their jobs aren’t always going to be publicly interesting or even terribly civil, as most human interactions are … and they are actually just as human as the rest of us, flaring tempers, bad hair days and all. Not everything being broadcast in all the various forms of news media is as critical, urgent and crisis-like as the news media would like us to believe. They want ratings, so they have to turn every little thing into a drama and crisis situation. The lowest common denominator viewer would watch people being eaten by lions if it was allowed. Therefore, the new media outlets cling to every thing that happens and make it as interesting and controversial as they possibly can, even when it really isn’t all that interesting, controversial or even important or relevant.

In the end, we are a long, long way from having a health care reform bill, and much of what has happened thus far could have safely been mostly ignored. You do realize there isn’t actually a single health care reform bill, don’t you? At the moment, I’m not certain how many flavors their are, but it’s more than two … and who knows how many potential amendments on the books already for each of them. Negotiations will really begin to heat up now, and I’d like to see some passion in the process. I’d at least like to see people voting “no” with as much conviction as the ones voting “aye” … if I am to believe these people are truly voting their conscious and beliefs.

I’m heading back into ranting about cameras and enforced civility as a factor in impure negotiations, so I suppose I should shut up now and hit the post button. Those cookies are calling my name … LOUDLY.

Hey! Only 1922 words (plus these few)! If you read this far … I love you!