Well, if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, then you likely already have a mental image quite firmly in your mind of me spending my day in a state of pure panic. That wouldn’t be too far from the truth. It was a bit of a stressful day. A stressful day with road work going on in front of my house. What joy!

But … I solved all my problems and survived a crisis or two (or three), and a while ago I hit the submit button and my application was on its way. If I weren’t a lump of utterly fatigued jelly oozing out of my chair, I’d do a happy dance.^†

My thoughts on the whole thing now?

I worked steadily for about three months toward the goal of having five works done to enter in a juried show (my first, BTW). I more than accomplished my goal, as many works were made, but three stood out from the rest, and so I entered only those three. I feel good about that decision … as good as I feel about the three pieces, which is pretty darn good. On October 15, I’ll be getting an email informing me of the official outcome of decision to embark on this mission.

Nothing to do but wait, and to be honest, both of the potential outcomes –having any/all of my works selected for the show and having all of them rejected– will undoubtedly lead to many hours of soul-searching contemplation and likely provide prime opportunities for stress of some sort. LOL!

For me personally, the outcome doesn’t matter as much as it did when I started on this mission. Not that I wouldn’t LOVE to have a piece in the show, because I would, but … I gained so much, learned so much over the course of the last few months –about myself and my art and so much more– I already won the best prize of all. I’m sure I’ll be telling you about some of it at (too much) length in the future. I know you just can’t wait!

So it’s over. Done. Finished. FINALLY.

Next up I get to enjoy the road work being directly in front of my house tomorrow, going to see the dress rehearsal for The Intergalactic Nemesis at the Long Center Thursday, and leaving for Chicago on Friday (I think) … and somewhere in there we have to pack, get the house and cats ready for us to be away, and get the truck ready for a long drive. I’m sure there are a million other things that need to be done that I am forgetting too. Oh, and then about 8 days in the Chicago area! Hopefully, we all get to sleep a little at some point. Sleep would be nice.

Can’t wait for the stupid laundry to finish so I can go be horizontal and unconscious in the dark. I am totally fatigued and completely relaxed. As soon as the jeans are in the dryer and the shirts are hung up, I am taking a break from wakefulness.

And if there are any spelling or grammatical errors, oops … sorry. What can I say? I’m brain-fried.

1. † I’m saving what strength I have to finish the laundry I haven’t done since a week ago Sunday. I meant to start it earlier, and do it while I did my arty stuff, but I am glad I didn’t. Today was hectic and crazy enough as it was without laundry being added to the mix too. Seriously, my house was a house of madness today.

And on top of it all, I can’t get out of the driveway to get more batteries and likely won’t be able to until the construction crew either takes lunch (which they didn’t do yesterday) or leaves for the day (and who knows when that’ll be – could be as late as 4 pm). ARGH!

Also … the cats are being super bratty today, and I may have to kill the whole lot of them. Cat stew for dinner! LOL!

Here I thought my lack of an appropriately weighty artist vitae and not having yet written my artist statement were going to be the biggest of my worries today. Photographing my artwork was not even on my list of possible crises.

Must be time for more coffee, and then I guess I’ll actually finish the last piece that needs finishing, write my artist statement, and then continue panicking about my camera.

Why can’t things go really well all the way through an entire project just ONCE. JUST ONCE!

Naturally, this has caused a measure of panic. Why? I need to put together an artist vitae (resume’ and artist statement. Oh, I can pull together an artist statement, and I have been needing to do it for a while (or rather, update the one I have), but the vitae? There’s nothing to put on it. I took a great many art classes in college, but it wasn’t the focus of my studies. I was never shooting for an art degree. Other than those classes, the only other training I have received as an artist came from my parents (from the age of birth until the age of 18) and what I have taught myself over the years. Additionally, I have no exhibitions, awards, grants, publications, or any other thing to crow about. None. Zip. Zilch. As you can imagine, this makes it a little difficult to put together anything resembling a resume’.

This is depressing me. I look like a non-artist on paper … or a naive newbie. Neither of those things is true, but just like in the corporate world, a resume’ is important, and a lot of people place a lot of importance on the words on that piece of paper to judge the worth of the artist. It’s a hard and cruel fact. My blank page makes me look (and feel) a little worthless as an artist. Like I said … depressing, isn’t it?

I suppose I will have to find some creative way to say I learned at my father’s knee until the age of 18, took an abundance of art classes in college without earning an art degree, and have spent my life making art without ever once being noticed by anyone whatsoever. I have no idea how I am going to pull that off.

Then there’s the artist statement. You’d think someone who can write thousands of words on a blog on any subject at all would be able to write a few measly paragraphs about their art and art methods without batting an eyelash. Well, not so much. Though I did read through a bunch of old blog posts in my Creativity category (as well as some private posts I made on the subject), and I’m sure I’ll come up with something brilliant at the last minute. It’ll have to be brilliant to make up for the fact I have nothing at all to put on my resume’.

Ugh.

Well, sun’s up, and I have a new staple-gun to go put to use. Have to get everything put together so it can be photographed, because today is the day it all has to come together and be amazing. Wish me luck. I’m not feeling especially amazing today.

So I’ve been drugging myself, because breathing is better than not breathing, and having a slight headache is better than feeling like my head is going to explode. I’ve been cooking and baking and reading, catching up on some of my TV shows, and doing a bunch of sketches for future arty things. And lots of napping. Can’t really help that, as even non-drowsy antihistamines make me drowsy. Three days into the week, and I haven’t really got much of anything to show for it. I’ve been trying to be productive, but I’ve been failing miserably while being pretty miserable in general. Well, there’s always tomorrow, right?

I am feeling a little better today, so I am hoping tomorrow I feel even better. Not counting on it though, seeing as they have declared this the worst ragweed season in ages. But … I can hope! If it would rain, that would at least give me a day or two of not feeling like a sneezing, wheezing, coughing blob of snot, which would be wonderful. It’s getting cloudy now, but I bet we don’t see any actual rain. I’m keeping my fingers crossed all the same. Come on … RAIN!

On top of feeling wretched, there’s some family drama going on again. Just what I needed! End result of the combination of the two things has been me sitting around like a lump trying to get some work done but mostly just fretting and stewing and being cranky. Why couldn’t everything just keep going smoothly for two more weeks?! Then this project would be over and I could spend some time being a lump of useless snot!

Oh well, nothing to be done about it but hope I start feeling better, and whether or not I do forcing myself to get this thing done by the deadline. I’m sure I will, but I wanted to get done BEFORE the deadline to avoid the stress of it approaching. You know, so I could take a couple of days to maybe sew myself a new outfit to wear in Chicago, or clean the house really well so Vince won’t freak out when he comes to feed the cats.

Anyway, pardon the whining. I just felt the need to whine for a moment. Time to take another pill, do the dishes, and have some coffee.

On top of feeling totally crappy physically, I am undecided on how to proceed with the big piece I have been working on. I am still not happy with the direction it is taking, but I don’t know what to do about it. I think this afternoon, once I get the headache and other allergy nastiness drugged into submission, I will run over to the other craft store and look at fabrics. Instead of doing the two figure combined piece, I want to go back to just the one, but do it in a different fabric (and correct a couple of structural problems while I am at it). It doesn’t help that my budget is running low and all I have to show for it is one still unfinished piece I am not happy with at the moment. So add a little mental despair to the list of complaints.

And I still need to stretch and frame the other pieces too. So much work to do and no energy or brain power to do them. Two weeks until the deadline. Ugh.

Steve: I’m still curious about where the heck this thing came from. A nightmare? I’d be afraid if it eating my face in the middle of the night.

Julie: These things remind me of Pink Floyd for some reason. (The Wall)

Kenno: It’s a forelorn object, bereft of wings or arms, boobs or mouth, not un-wholey formed, only a child of a much lesser god with a vlulnerabilty that makes it both fleating and attractive. Lots of expression inthe negative sapce. This form has haunted you for some time.

Orb: Summer, 1984, American Literature class at university. Had just read The Lottery by Shirley Jackson. I was bored with my classmates’ discussions, and I doodled the first one in the margin of my notebook. Spent the next month sketching it over and over in a variety of permutations, which resulted in a single painting (which is in the back of my bedroom closet) and a full sketchbook.

Interestingly, I had just seen The Wall that summer as well, which pretty much blew my young just-out-of-the-country, mind. So maybe an influence as well.

So yes, it’s been with me a while. Pops up every so often, like whenever I really get back into doing artwork hardcore, though I’ve never really focused on it. Just a doodle, you know? Just a thing I scribbled when I didn’t have anything else to scribble. Until now. I’m focusing on it now.

Sexless, but definitely feminine (in my mind anyway). The problem I am having with the two figure combined form is that there never was a masculine figure before, and I have tried to create one. It doesn’t feel right though, and I think I have spent the last few weeks working on the masculine one for nothing. Might not use it. Might not even make it in the final materials. Taking the day to decide.

Nothing scary about the thing though. I alternately want to hug it or worship it. Comfort it or ask it the secrets of the universe. Not quite sure what it does mean yet, but I remember the moment it was born as clearly as it happened yesterday.

And that pretty much sums up the situation with The Project at the moment. The pattern for the masculine figure is ready to be done in the final materials, but I don’t want to do it. There never was a masculine figure in my mind. I’m not sure I want to use it, which means I’ve wasted some time working on it, and now I’ve got one lone figure I don’t know what to do with. I’m feeling I should have focused on the tree as the second form, and it’s not too late to do so. The tree, compared to the figures, is going to be easy to create (the pattern already being done). Since I am feeling wretched today from my allergies (one of my eyes is gooey and swollen somewhat shut, such joy), I’m going to take the day to do some housework, rest, and contemplate my next step on The Project. I can spare a day of work.

But first … more coffee and a couple of pills. If I am going to do anything today, I’ll need to be awake and able to breath (and see).

And if you’ve never read The Lottery before, read it. Don’t read anything about it first. Go in cold, and just read it. Worth reading, and it won’t take long.

It’s three weeks to deadline, and I am not feeling especially stressed. I hope and plan to have Figure Two as far along as Figure One by this coming Monday. That gives me a week to combine the two figures and make the base and another week to do the detailing on that piece and pull the other four pieces I intend to submit together. All that will be left then is to photograph them all and submit my paperwork! I’m sure I’ll feel some stress the close the deadline gets, but that’ll mostly be because deadlines just freak me out … even when I am on schedule and doing fine. My mind, it does not like deadlines!

Actually, the further along I get, the better my mental state about the whole thing. I am even more firmly OK with the possibility that this grand work I have poured months into not getting into the show … or any of my works not getting into the show. Not saying that wouldn’t just make me happier than I have ever been and thrilled silly, but the most important thing to have come of all this work is that I have grown as an artist (and maybe even as a human being). I’ve always said I am an artist, starting from a really young age, but there was always a tiny little nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I wasn’t REALLY an artist … I was just a hack. That voice has been eradicated. I don’t just believe I am an artist now, I know I AM AN ARTIST! It feels wonderful to know something about yourself is a truth, and to be confident enough to not shrink from saying it.

So … I am starting to get really tired again and just want this pattern drafting stage to be over, but that’s to be expected. I’m pushing my brain pretty hard, and because that damn pattern is rumbling around in my head 24/7, I’m not sleeping so well. This too shall pass. I just have to jump the hurdle, and then it gets easy again. Before I know it, this project will be done, and I can enjoy a little “normal” life for a while before jumping into the next big project (and there is a next big project already planned). And what’s really awesome is that just after I get done with this whole thing and get my paperwork in, it looks like we’ll be taking a vacation to Chicago! What perfect timing! I am so going to need a vacation, and it’ll be totally grand to see our northern family … and to go to the art museum. Really looking forward to the art museum. LOL!

Think I better go turn the studio back into a kitchen and plan dinner. I can’t decide between making bratwurst sandwiches on rye or cooking up a bunch of chicken. Tough choice! They both sound tasty. LOL!

Well, there is Saturday’s flash mob event! I’m so glad I did that. It was a blast! I rarely do silly things in public, or rather, when I do silly things in public, it’s just me being a weirdo goofball and I’m doing them all on my own (and almost nobody notices). This time I got to be a weirdo goofball doing something silly in public with a whole bunch of other people. It was nice to have fun with complete strangers for a couple of minutes and not be doing something silly all by myself. This one will be followed by others, as the ultimate goal of all this is to have a world record breaking event with some thousands of people doing it at the same time to draw attention to the issue of worldwide malnutrition. I’m going to stay involved and go to as many as possible, because everyone needs some public silliness in their life, especially when it’s for a good cause.

After the event, we went to eat at the Flying Saucer, which is at The Triangle, an urban development I was somewhat opposed to having been built. Oh yes, it’s nice, and there are nice shops and restaurants there, and it’s very pretty, but I still miss the big open green field with trees that used to be there. I’ll be putting my grumpiness about the loss of green-space into reserve though, because I really like the Flying Saucer. If you like beer, they have beer. I mean the beer list is HUGE. Pages long. Now I’m not terribly crazy about beer, though I like a good one every once in a while, so this is the kind of place I like. I can try something different every time I go … for the rest of my life. Who knows, maybe I will find a beer I really, really like! Next time, I plan to splurge on a $10 pint of beer made by Trappist monks. A bit pricey, but come on … beer made by Trappist monks. I have to try it. Oh, and they also have the best hot German potato salad I have had since my grandmother died. I could taste the apple and cinnamon! So very good. As was the bratwurst and the beer and cheese soup!

Sunday Lin cut back the overgrowth in the yard, so our property looks a little more civilized. It hadn’t been completely awful until we had that week recently when it rained every day, and then the prairie grasses grew exponentially. Some of them were at least waist high! I still need to get out there and chopped down the bits that invaded the garden area, but it’s over 100º outside these days, and I just can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe one of these mornings I’ll just force myself to go do it, but I’ve not been terribly inspired to pay too much attention to my garden.

Which brings me to the topic of my garden. Last year things went poorly because of the drought and heat. This year the weather has been nicely moist and until recently not too blazingly hot, which means things like bugs and fungus have been a pain in the butt (and weeds, OMG, the weeds). We got a good number of tomatoes before it got too hot for them to set fruit, and there’s still occasionally one or two every so often. Not as many as I’d like, but there never is. I never went without basil or cucumbers or carrots, so those were all big wins. The onions, garlic, and herbs all either died or were destroyed by bugs and large-footed neighbor dogs. And though the beans grew healthy and bloomed like crazy, we did not get bean one. Not a single bean. I’m not even going to bother mentioning any of the other failures, of which there were a few.

So this year’s spring/summer garden can be summed up as … somewhat unsatisfactory, just like every garden before it. Will this stop me from gardening? Of course not, because the NEXT garden is going to rock! Such is the way of gardeners. In fact, since it’s now August, I really need to get out there and clear out all the seedy basil, pull up the last of the carrots, and start clearing things for fall planting. I have no idea what I’ll be planting. With the art project taking up so much of my time and energy, I haven’t put much thought into it. I imagine I’ll just plant whatever seeds I already have from last year and see how they do this year. I expect the end result will be somewhat unsatisfactory, but that’s gardening for you.

Speaking of the art project, I am in the middle of drafting the pattern for Figure Two, and it’s going as well as the pattern drafting for Figure One went. In other words, not well at all. But I worked out the problems with the first one in a week or so, and I’m sure I’ll work out the problems with this one too. I’m grumpy about it all, but I am feeling surprisingly stress-free. The new deadline is in a couple of weeks, but having Figure One done was the initial goal, and I can finish it up in an afternoon. If I manage to get Figure Two done or the combined Figure One and Two piece done, well that’ll just be icing on the cake. I’m going to shoot for the final combined figure, but if it doesn’t happen, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’ll just finish it after the deadline, because it’s going to be an awesome work of art whenever it gets finished. So all I can say about the art project is that I am still huffing away on it.

Yesterday was the cats’ birthday! I totally forgot until I opened my calendar for another reason and noticed it was already August 1. I usually make a big deal out of their birthday, even though I know they don’t especially know why they are getting new toys and treats. Though I do have to say that they were all being terribly sweet and affectionate yesterday, so maybe they DO know when their birthday is. LOL! Anyway, Ronin and Myu turned four, and Tora is now two. My kittens are all grown up, not that they act like anything other than bratty babies though. I need to sit down and make a post about the cats soon, because there’s been some upset in the hierarchy among the cats, and it’s been pretty funny. I need to go clear the kitchen floor and tables of artsy stuff now though, and if I start babbling about the cats, I’ll be here for an hour.

I guess that about sums up things around here. Like I said, I haven’t been paying much attention to anything outside my own little world. Just been working on my artwork, doting on my cats, trying to keep the house maintained, and sleeping and eating and watching a bit of TV. In the grand scheme of things, from my point of view, life is good. This likely means the world has gone to hell while I have been ignoring it, so perhaps I’ll read some news with my morning coffee tomorrow. I’m sure no good will come of it, but I don’t like being completely in the dark about current events (even though I’ve discovered that ignorance really can lead to bliss).