I don’t have the link to the original breaking story about the kids in California who were sickened by bottled water. It came up on my news radar, I read it, they didn’t know much yet, so I made a mental note to check in on the story at a later time when they had test results or something. Illness producing Aquafina bottled water is something I’d like to know about as soon as information is available.

Checking in on it today, I find this:

A dozen students complained of feeling sick after drinking bottled water from a junior high school vending machine, but the FBI said Friday that no sign of tampering was found and initial tests detected no contamination.

Two students came separately to the school office Thursday with bottles of Aquafina brand water and complained of being nauseous, Fries said. The students indicated that they bought the water from a school machine and that the bottles seemed properly sealed but the water inside appeared cloudy and had an odd smell.

Other students polled in classes later complained of illness, Fries said.

In all, the 12 students said they drank from eight bottles, Fries said. Two bottles were recovered.

I have a theory. The original two bottles of water may or may not have made the two original students sick, because I do not put it past 8th graders to come up with hair-brain schemes to either get out of school or get the school shut down for an afternoon to get out of school or for other nefarious and childish reasons. It’s possible it did (bottled water can go bad if the seal is broken only slightly and germs get in – really, it can), but it’s just as possible it didn’t (and there’s some other story there). Of course, the responsible thing for adults to do is try to find out if other students drank the water and were feeling ill.

But see that bit I put in bold letters? I have been an 8th grader, I have known and taught 8th graders, and I can guarantee there will be 8th graders who did, in fact, drink said water and feel perfectly fine (because there wasn’t anything wrong with it), but who, when asked by a concerned adult, will either consciously or unconsciously begin feeling sick. Yup, some will start to feel sick because “OMG! I drank that water and those other kids are in the hospital, and I’m going to get sick too!” … and so they do. Like a mass hysteria. Then there will be the kids who see it as a perfect opportunity to get out of school or get a lot of fawning and attention or whatever else goes through the heads of some 8th graders, and will flat out lie about feeling sick after having drank the water.

I don’t know how they “polled” the other students, but if they didn’t just say that “something” had made two kids sick and was anyone else feeling sick too, and they actually mentioned that the bottles water had made two kids sick, kids who are not sick will become sick. Of the twelve students claiming the water made them sick, I would be willing to bet good money there is a high probability of a high number of false positives. It’s not that 8th graders mean to be annoying little gits, liars, or to fall into a mass hysteria. They are 8th graders. It’s just what they do. They can’t help themselves.

But what’s really funny about this story isn’t the story or my theory on it. No, the truly hilarious thing is a Fox News affiliate’s story about the incident almost immediately after it happened and before any information of any kind had been found or any tests done on the water.

School’s Water Apparently Poisoned
The FBI is investigating how apparently poisoned water bottles got into a vending machine at a middle school in Santa Clarita, making about a dozen people ill on Thursday, a fire inspector said.

THE WATER’S POISONED! OMG! THERE’S POISONED WATER AT THAT SCHOOL!!! NOT THAT WE KNOW THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT, BUT IT MUST BE POISONED! KIDS ARE GETTING STOMACHACHES!!!!

Except, well, so far it looks like there wasn’t anything wrong with the water at all.

Eventually, most 8th graders grow out of lying and falling into stress-induced mass hysterias out of ignorance or fear. Apparently those that don’t go work for Fox News. Really, they are a reactionary lot, aren’t they (both 8th graders and Fox News)?