Life tests each of us to determine our mettle, and I firmly believe it never gives us a test we cannot pass. By that I do not mean the way life tests each of us is easy. Far from it, but I believe each of us is capable of doing the right thing, even when the path to get to it is murky and hard to find.

My mettle has been tested before in my life. Many times. More often than not, I have stood resolute and passed the test handed me, and each time I have learned valuable information about myself. Serving on this jury, at this moment in time, on this case, is most certainly one of these tests. In fact, I firmly believe it is one of the biggest of life’s tests I have ever faced, and whether I stay true to my beliefs and confident in my abilities or not — pass the test or fail — I will have learned many important things about myself: things I will either end up feeling proud about or feeling the need to improve.

My stress levels are higher than they have ever been. For the last ten years, I have compared every crisis of faith, every moment of stress, every major event in my life to the night I stood cold and shaking in a hospital hallway signing papers that ensured my father a peaceful death. This morning, that night seems long ago and far away, and I realize all the stress I was feeling that night was tied not to the decision I faced or the signing of those damnable papers but rather to my sadness about losing my father. I had always known what to do, and I had always known I would be able to do what needed to be done. In comparison, my experience as a juror is weighing on me like ten tons of bricks, and it is unrelenting. I am terrified of what comes next.

All I can do now is pray for the strength to see this through, to stay resolute in what I believe is right and I know to be the truth … to fight for someone who means nothing to me, who I do not know and who I will never know, to do the right thing when the path is murky and difficult. Whatever the eventual outcome, it won’t change my life in any way. Once this is over, I will go back to complaining about broken ovens and crazy cats, weekly shopping trips and monthly bill paying. But my actions may change something in myself, and it’s something I don’t want changed.

I am being tested by life, and all I can do is hope and pray I pass with flying colors and can go on with my life knowing I am capable of giving my all to fight for the truth as I see it, no matter the situation. In the end, I guess I am terrified of myself, that I am not who I think I am, and that when the going gets tough and the result of my actions or inactions doesn’t truly effect my own life, I will waver in doing what I feel is right, because the path is too difficult. I want to continue being the person I have always believed myself to be.

May the universe give me the strength and fortitude I need to see me through this and for the outcome to be as positive as possible for everyone involved.