Well, I got a couple of things at the store for tonight to make this at least a somewhat happy birthday for the old man.

The big news of the day is that I wore shorts to the grocery store. Shorts! Me! In shorts!

Now I wear all manner of shorts around the house, but I never wear shorts in public, mostly because I am one of those non-shaving females. Since I recently took part in the biannual de-furring of my legs, and it already feels like it’s 100 degrees outside, I decided why the hell not show off my skinny little paper-white stick legs. It felt weird. I may do it again.

In other news, I have gossip that happened the week I was felled by my toothache and forgot to tell you about!

Insane Neighbor Lady is now working at the convenience store just up the road. Apparently, she has been clearing out the hookers, dealers, bums, and whatever other people she determines are riff-raff (the list, it is long) by being an obnoxious ass, picking fights with people, and calling the cops all the time. As you may well imagine, this has begun to make her some enemies, and some of these enemies know where she lives. I guess they followed her home. Who knows. Anyway, the first day I was stuck in bed in an alcohol induced stupor to ease the pain of the toothache, I was awakened by the familiar tones of Insane Neighbor Lady shrieking just outside my bedroom window. I stuck my little eyeball to the window blinds, because the show over there beats any soap opera. I expected to see her screaming and throwing things at her husband (or Motorcycle Man), but no. She was screaming and throwing things at some truck on the road I did not recognize.

The only words I caught were “You stupid, crazy, drug-using whore!” Now that is rather like the pot calling the kettle black. Well, except the whore part. Pretty sure my neighbor is monogamous. No one else but Insane Neighbor Man would put up with her, I assure you. Anyway, the truck sped off as Crazy Neighbor Lady dialed a number on her phone, presumably the cops. Next I see Insane Neighbor Man pull up in their SUV, and she takes a break from shrieking at whoever is on the phone to scream at him that “they” had just gone down the street and to follow them, which he does at about 60 miles an hour from a standing start. Then all I hear is her telling the person on the phone that her husband is following “them” and giving them his cell number to call him to find out where they are … and then a bunch of unintelligible utterances at loud volume sprinkled with curse words. I went back to sleep. The show seemed to be over.

The next day, the Insane Neighbors put up floor to ceiling wrought ironwork bars on their porch. All around the porch. So I guess she may have pissed off someone she is actually afraid of, which wouldn’t surprise me. She pisses everyone off, even her own family members. The woman is toxic.

Now I have no idea what is going on, and I am not about to ask. I do not need or want their drama spilling over onto my property and life. I do not go out of my way to get in the face of dealers, hookers, bums, or any other riff-raff. I’d call the cops, if I saw anyone doing anything horribly criminal, but I wouldn’t call attention to the fact I had. Pretty much, I leave the riff-raff alone, and they leave me alone, and that’s just fine by me. I do not need stupid, crazy, drug-using people driving by my house being upset with me. I have some living next door already who, thankfully, are not upset with me (yet — I’m sure the day will come though). There’s a right way and a wrong way to “reclaim” a neighborhood from riff-raff, and she has obviously chosen the wrong way. She always seems to do that, and it really only makes it worse for everyone else. You want to call the cops to get rid of some hookers hanging out in front of your store? Fine, call the cops. Don’t call the cops of your cell phone while picking a fight with the hookers and telling them you are calling the cops (which a neighbor told me she did). That’s just stupid. I swear, she must love the drama.

I’m also imagining that in addition to not making any friends with the local hoodlums, she is driving the poor cops stark raving mad. I heard she called them ten times her first day at work, mostly about bums being on the sidewalk panhandling, and she apparently picks a fight with everyone she wants gone before doing so too. Good grief.

It’s been peaceful around here since that incident. In fact, it’s been really, really peaceful. More peaceful than usual. Quiet even. First off, she has a full-time job now, and she’s gone a lot. That alone adds to the peacefulness of the neighborhood. But now that she has pissed off someone she might actually be scared of, they are never outside anymore. No more drinking cases of beer and doing drugs in the driveway before breaking into an all-out domestic quarrel. No more pestering of neighbors, yelling at whoever has pissed her off that morning (at least not around here, can’t vouch for her yelling at work or not), and no being obnoxious asses a foot from my bedroom window. They have been keeping it all indoors and quiet. Even Annoying Boy isn’t out and about much anymore. He makes the trip to his friend’s house down the road on his bicycle every couple of days, but he is real quick about getting on his bike and zooms out of here at top speed. Doesn’t even take the time to be a pain in my ass anymore.

In a strange kind of way, even though I do sometimes have a worried thought about getting caught in the crossfire of some insane gun battle between her and a thug of some sort, I am almost thankful. I mean it’s really been nice around here the last two weeks with them all sequestered away in their own home all the time. Running up against someone or something that scares you can lead to important life lessons, like not taking big matters into your own hands, not picking fights with people who may want to hurt you for it, knowing which battles are worth fighting (at least publicly), that being an obnoxious ass 24/7 gets you absolutely nowhere in the long run, unless you are rich and powerful to begin with, and that you never, ever let drama of large proportions know where you live. I’m hoping they are learning some lessons.

Mostly though, I hope the peace and quiet continues. The whole tone of the street has changed. All the neighbors are outside more and talking to each other again. That’s been really great. That family really is a blot on this street. It only takes one household of raging lunatics to drag things down. I’m pretty sure most of us around here are far more scared of them than by any criminal element that might be out there. I am also pretty sure that some of us are secretly hoping they get scared enough they decide to move away. Now that would be the ultimate blessing, but we’ll settle for them locking themselves aways in a fortress whenever they are home. That has been working out really well for us all so far.

In closing, I’d just like to mention that when I heard her call someone else a stupid, crazy drug-user, I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing loud enough for her to hear. Really? She called someone else that?! See, in addition to being insane and having anger management issues, that family are total hypocrites about laws and rules. Everyone else has to comply, but they most certainly don’t. For example: she wanted everyone to drive 25 mph on our street. She got her way, and who never does? The Insane Neighbors. I’m not even going to get into any of the other hypocritical things they do. That’s a post for another time. Right now, I’m going to go outside and stare at my ripening tomato and enjoy the silence and serenity of my street. Then I need to do the dishes, because it’s Lin’s birthday, and I am making a big meal tonight.