The following rant applies to no one that might actually read it. I just have to get it off my chest so I can continue to do my best to not bite someone’s head off.

Stop using my broken oven as an excuse to dial my phone number. I’ve been sick in bed for weeks in the past, and not a one of you has called to see how I am doing. I have had an actual major crisis (or two) and not heard from a one of you. I have lost people dear to me, and none of you has ever bothered to call to see if there was anything you could do. It’s pathetic to pick up the phone and have you calling just to see “how I am doing” because my oven is broken. I’m fine. My oven is broken, but it isn’t likely to kill me. Where were you when I really could have used a phone call and someone to talk to?

Stop telling me how I.H. has lived without an oven for almost a decade. I know when hers broke, she decided not to replace it. Don’t tell me she couldn’t have replaced it. She could have. If she can afford to eat out all the time and buy every hobby and craft supply that catches her eye for a moment, only to be stuffed in a box when the interest has passed and never looked at again, she can afford to buy a $300 stove sometime over the course of a decade. Yes, it’s very sad she can’t bake and decorate cakes anymore, because she did love doing it. It’s her own damn fault she can’t do what she loves. She chose to not replace her stove and to eat every meal at a restaurant or fast food establishment. Her misery, if it exists, is of her own creation. I may have to live without an oven for a little while, but I assure you, our oven will be replaced or repaired.

Stop trying to give me crock pots. I have a crock pot. Yes, it is small … too small for making a decent roast and a chicken would never fit in it. It’s a crock pot for a single person who lives in a dorm. I hate crock pots. I don’t like using them. If you like using them, more power to you. Keep your damn crock pot and use it. Please do not try to give it to me. I do not need one of each available size of crock pot. You will never see me making anything that requires more than the one small crock pot I currently own. In fact, you will likely never see me using a crock pot at all, so no … I do not want to “borrow” yours. If you don’t use it, and it’s taking up room in your kitchen, donate it to someone who wants it. I do not. Even more ridiculous is suggesting I spend a tank of gasoline driving to see you to get your crock pot. Should I decide I need a new crock pot, I can buy a new one more cheaply than I can a tank of gasoline.

Stop telling me that we need to do something about the broken oven if it is upsetting us so much. We know we need to do something about the broken oven, BECAUSE it is upsetting us so much. Alas, there are such things as bills and paychecks and these things come when they come and have to be dealt with when they arrive. At the current moment in time, we do not have the spare cash to deal with a broken oven, even one that might be easily fixed ourselves. When you are trying to decide whether to buy food or a part for an oven, which one do you buy? I’d think and hope the answer would be obvious: food. A working oven does no good at all without anything to cook in it. So yes, the oven will be repaired or replaced as soon as the bills are paid, our kitchen has food in it, and the paycheck arrives. Such is life. Not everything happens as instantaneously as we would like, and I don’t need you reminding me we are flat broke. I am well aware of our financial situation.

Stop acting like I am suicidal. It’s true I am very upset about my broken oven. If the car you used every day broke down, you’d be very upset about it. If your TV went belly-up, you’d be very upset about it. For me, the thing I get very upset about not being able to use daily is my oven. I am allowed to be upset that my entire daily routine and our dietary situation have been thrown into a loop with no warning. I haven’t been calling anyone to complain. I haven’t been sending out mass emails to whine about it. I haven’t really even been griping about it on line. I have just been sitting in my own house feeling sorry for myself and being pestered by people calling me on the phone acting as though a broken oven is the very thing that is going to push me over the edge and make me think life is not worth living. News flash: I have lost things in my life that were far more important to me than an oven, and somehow I haven’t decided to jump in front of a bus yet. A broken oven may piss me off, may make me sad, may even make me decide to have a huge extended pity party for myself. It isn’t going to lead to anything rash or crazy. You are just showing how very little you know about me.

So stop using my broken oven as an excuse to dial my phone number. I’m onto you! After you have thoroughly hashed out whichever of the above choices (or all of them and a few others), you then go on to whine about whatever it is you really wanted to whine about: whatever it is that is broken in your life. I’ve got my own problems to deal with, I do not need to hear about your aching back (got one too), how you feel yourself getting older (yeah, me too), your puking dog, your bratty kids, your two year old car that got scratched, or any of the other problems I might sympathize with you about, if I heard from you more often than the few times a decade when you catch wind of some excuse you can use to call me … to complain about your own damn issues.

So stop it, and shut up already! I will no longer be taking your phone calls. I’d rather sit on my kitchen floor and stare at my broken oven. It is far more entertaining than talking to you.