“There’s a guy out there who knows what my wife looks like naked.”

Raise your hand if you have seen my tits. [Observes the forest of raised hands.] Do you think that makes my husband angry or disturbs him in any way?

I was reading a news story about a woman who was traumatized because a maintenance worker on a ladder may have seen her new breast implants while she was trying on bras at Target … because the only people who have ever seen her naked are her doctor and husband. That’s a claim I find hard to believe, but perhaps it’s possible she doesn’t have parents or siblings and didn’t have to take gym in high school … and her husband is the only boyfriend she ever had.

I was laughing for several reasons as I read about their outrage over what I am betting was a simple “oops” on the part of the worker. First off, I never have any expectation of privacy in public dressing rooms. The possibility of someone accidentally or on-purpose seeing your exposed flesh is high. Secondly, unless she felt it was necessary remove all her clothing in order to try on bras, someone may have seen her tits, not seen her naked … and as I have always said, they are just tits and every human has them. If you are traumatized by someone seeing your brand new fake tits, why the hell did you get them? Fake tits (as well as real ones) are attention getters. People will look at them whether they are covered or not.

I realize my views on nudity and bare breasts are not universal. As Lin said this morning, “You’re special. You were an exotic dancer, and you are an artist.” While that is true, my view that nudity and breasts are natural and only as sexual as you make them was formed long before either of those things were true about me, and my opinion is that people just need to get over it. Though our bodies come in all shapes, sizes and colors, they are all built in exactly the same way, and if you think that the few square inches of swimsuit fabric you cover yourself with on the beach leaves anything at all to even the worst imagination, you are fooling yourself. Hell, I can look at a woman fully clothed and tell you exactly what she would look like naked, but then I have seen more than my fair share of naked women.

I’m not saying everyone has to go running around topless or stripping their clothing off at the drop of a hat, though that wouldn’t really bother me. I’m not even saying everyone has to be willing to allow others to see them topless or nude, though I think people need to be less uptight about it. What I am saying is that people need to stop being traumatized by their own nudity. That’s what happened here. The guy didn’t do anything to her (but maybe look at her and have a thought or two — something that for guys doesn’t even require exposed flesh), and now she’s got issues. She was traumatized by her own damn nudity. She injured herself because she is too uptight about her body.

I probably wouldn’t have even noticed the guy on the ladder. Not that I am generally oblivious to my surroundings, but as I said, I have no expectation of privacy in dressing rooms. I always just assume someone is looking and don’t even think about it, and even if someone should be intentionally spying on me in a dressing room, while I would like it stopped if I find out about it, it would hardly leave me unable to change clothes in dressing rooms in the future or undressing in public bathrooms (another issue she is now having at another place one can never assume one has privacy).

Personally, I think this is a lot less about “someone saw my wife naked” and a lot more about “how much money can we get out of Target” … seeing as they say a settlement “would be nice.” And dude, I have never seen your wife naked, but I bet she looks just like every other slender 30-something woman who has gotten breast implants. There are magazines and web sites filled to overflowing with women that look just like her. She really isn’t all that remarkable. Cute, but average. Get over yourselves already. The world would be a much better place if people were less traumatized by nudity (and sexuality) and more traumatized by violence posing as entertainment. But that’s just my opinion, and what do I know? I’m just an over-educated ex-titty dancer and artist who loves the naked human form.

And now that my tit-o-meter has been activated and I have spent far too much time sitting here rolling my eyes about people’s attitudes toward nudity … and to prove I have no issues with hundreds or thousands of people looking at mine … behind the cut (to protect the easily offended and traumatized) a completely Not Safe For Work photo of bare breasts.

There then. Now a few more people can raise their hands when I next ask how many people have seen my tits. Join the club, but I have to warn you, it’s not all that exclusive. Why, membership may number in the millions by now!

And you will notice that mine are 100% natural. Fake tits, for purposes other than reconstruction, are an abomination.

Oh, and no, it doesn’t upset my husband at all that there are people on the planet other than himself that have seen me completely buck naked. He’s a nudist. Nudity doesn’t even make him bat an eyelash … though it does occasionally give him a thought or two. Well, he IS a guy, you know.