Today has been the worst day so far. I have absolutely been craving a smoke all damn day … no matter what I have been doing or where I have been.
It all started at 4:25 am. I was asleep in the bedroom. Lin lit a cigarette in the den at the far opposite end of the house. It woke me right up. Of course, since I can’t stand the smell of his brand of smokes, it grossed me out greatly, so I turned on the ceiling fan and closed the door. When I went back to sleep, I just kept dreaming about having a smoke. When I woke up, I was in a mood about it.
This afternoon I thought getting out of the house would help. I rarely if ever used to take my smokes with me when I was out running around, so I did just that and went to an art gallery and stopped into a few stores to do some window shopping. It didn’t help, and by the time I stopped at Walgreen’s for toilet paper and Dr Pepper, the mere sight of a Buy Two – Get One Free deal on my brand of cigarettes at the cash register nearly sent me into a fit of Pavlovian drooling. I managed to get out of the store before the urge to “just buy one pack” grew too strong.
See, the willpower isn’t in not smoking cigarettes … it’s in not BUYING them. So far, so good. I saw my brand of smokes on sale, and I didn’t give into the overwhelming urge to buy them. Still, I really, really, really, really, really want a smoke today.
On the upside, I have been doing so much exercising my muscles are sore, and I have been doing so much sleeping I almost don’t have dark circles under my eyes. Also, I have only coughed once all day, and that was when a car spewing smoky and gross exhaust was sitting beside me at a stop light (so coughing would be a normal reaction). I’m feeling quite good physically, and this is still surprising me. I just sort of thought it was going to take a good bit longer to notice any real difference in my physical well-being.
Now if my mental well-being will even out, all will be well. At the moment, I’m feeling just a wee bit obsessive about wanting a smoke. Luckily it’s Friday night and all my favorite shows are on (stunning season finales no less), and we ordered delivery pizza. I think my mind will have other things to occupy it tonight. I hope it works. :D
Lin is home and our shows are about to come on the TV. I have the feeling this weekend is going to feel really long … what with Lin being here and SMOKING and all. Ugh.
I’m really proud of myself for making it this far. I just hope it starts getting easier, because there wasn’t anything about not smoking today that was easy at all. :(
Breaking an addiction, any addiction, is a hard thing to achieve, especially when the addiction involves a narcotic, in this case nicotine. You didn’t become dependant on cigarettes the first time you lit up, it took some time for that to occur, and it will take time for your body to adjust to the fact that it isn’t getting it’s dosage of nicotine. I know it is not easy, but I always thought of you as being pretty head strong once you made up your mind to do something. You can do this. :)
Your endeavor is a conscious attempt to realign with the innate survival instinct. The only power that weed has over you once the body is detoxed is emotional. With time you will replace old familiarities with new, positive ones. Keep on the rational side of the street. Advocate for yourself. Use simple opposites such as “Do I want to get ugly or stay pretty, stay sick or get healthy?”
Then when you have made yourself whole, you can be an example for Lin.
The urge does go away in 3 to 4 weeks. Make it a goal to stop for 30 days. If you do, buy something nice for yourself for a reward.
Been there!
Ray